Karen McEnany is a certified divorce coach, certified co-parenting specialist, and author of the book The Good Divorce: How to End Your Marriage Without Destroying Your Family.
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Wiley/Jossey-Bass/NPR, Nicole Wickens/NPR
When? Karen McEnany Facing divorce about 15 years ago, she says, she feared what impact it would have on her future: disappointment, debt and a lifetime of resentment.
“At the same time, she was also thinking about her two children,” she says. She didn’t want their father to become her enemy.
So she and her ex-husband decided to take different approaches to divorce as a couple. She says, “We are going to rebuild and transform this family. We are not going to destroy it.” “The marriage is ending, not your relationship.”
For McEnany, a mediator, certified divorce coach, and certified co-parenting specialist, divorce is a tool, not a weapon. She expands on this concept The Good Divorce: How to End Your Marriage Without Destroying Your FamilyWhich came out this spring. This book provides guidance on how to maintain a compassionate and respectful relationship with a former spouse as you heal and move forward.
According to Pew Research CenterOne-third of Americans who have ever been married had a first marriage that ended in divorce. For that reason, McEnany hopes her book will become a must-read before marriage for couples. “The best time to talk about divorce is before you have to talk about it,” she says.
He shares insights from his book in conversation with Life Kit. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
the book is called good divorce. What does it mean?
(for those with children) A good divorce is about protecting the future of the family while ending the marriage.
After the paperwork is completed and the property is divided, can you and your co-parent sit on the same side of the bleachers during a basketball game? Can you still see yourselves having a partnership, with the ability to have thoughtful conversations about your children?
For those who don’t have children, (good divorce is) about protecting your health – your mental health and your physical health. If we are doubling down on resentment and bitterness, all of that gets stored in the body and shows up in different ways. You deserve a path that is less destructive.
Let me also be clear: There are times when an amicable, collaborative process is not possible and may even be inappropriate. For example, where there is active addiction, abuse, domestic violence, coercion or uncontrolled mental health problems.
How do you get to a place where you don’t feel like your partner is harassing you, so that you can both work together toward a good divorce?
That, my dear, doesn’t happen overnight. It’s like a dimmer switch going up and down and up and down, and the gift of time helps get there.
It is a complex emotional journey as we feel relief in moving away from our spouse and the challenges. But at the same time, there’s also the extraordinary grief that comes with divorce that I think is often underestimated and under-supported.
If my spouse had died, people would be asking me regularly. I never spent any holidays alone that first year. There might have been a food train there.
But he did not die. My marriage was gone, my family structure was gone, my identity as a wife and partner was gone. There is so much grief that goes through these changes that come with divorce that we are unable to see.
So supporting friends in all the same ways as if an actual death had occurred is doing a lot for your friends who are going through divorce.
How do you tell your friends, family, and community that you are going through a divorce and may need support?
Put together a communication strategy. It’s not just about how we tell kids. It is also a communication strategy for grandparents; To surround children with a support group such as teachers, coaches and counselors; And our shared community.
It’s extraordinary when a couple can write that message together, not unlike a wedding announcement. (You can say:) We have made a really difficult decision. We wanted to tell you. We are not going to court. Don’t expect a fight. Please don’t ask us why. Just ask us how we’re doing. We are just like children. You don’t have to choose sides.
In doing so, we have given everyone the same information at once. It’s a unified message that comes from the core team, and it allows your community to know how to best support you. And it takes away all the gossip and wondering what’s going on.
If you have kids and they’re splitting time between two households, what are some ways to make that transition easier for them?
Our kids were 5 and 7 when we divorced, so it was three or four nights at a time at each house. When they turned about 8 or 10, it made sense to spend a week at each residence. After COVID, kids came to us and said, “Can we just stay in a house for two weeks? We want to be able to stay longer.” (So we said) OK.
Many parents are very strict about schedules. There is no flexibility. He does not serve anyone. So I suggest you free yourself from the calendar and let it evolve appropriately with your children.
Knowing what you know now about divorce, what questions do you think couples should ask themselves before marriage?
Often when people get over the threshold of divorce, couples are like, “We don’t know what we’re doing.” Get educated about the business part of it.
There is no harm in making a prenuptial agreement. Even if you decide not to file it, have a conversation about its implications. What does it mean if we buy this house together? What does it mean if one of us works more and another works less?
We also underestimate what it means to have a roommate. What are your value systems regarding cooking and cleaning? How much time do you need alone? It’s easy to fall in love and not know if you are compatible or not.
Do you think you’ll marry again?
I sincerely hope that I get the chance to say yes to a lifelong commitment with a partner, because I believe that through partnership we are often given the opportunity to become a better version of ourselves.
The story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is CJ Riculan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us LifeKit@npr.org.
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