Why we keep dating the wrong person and how you can find the right life partner now

I have been a marriage and family counselor for over fifty years. It was very embarrassing to help others but see my own love life in constant crisis. When people visit me at MenAlive you’ll see my welcome video, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.”

It took me a long time to seek my own advice and get help. This is bad news. The good news is that I finally found a good therapist and the right life partner. Carlin and I have been married for 46 years and are more in love than ever. The even better news is that if you want to find it, I can help you Yours perfect partner and stay Looking for love in all the wrong places, The title of one of my most popular and best-selling books.

If you’re interested in working with me on these issues, send me a note (Jed@Menalive.com).

If you want to learn more about why we get stuck in relationships that are harmful to us, keep reading.

The truth is that things have changed a lot since I was looking for love. With the advent of social media and the online world of endless possibilities as well as the real life world of broken promises, dating has become more difficult than ever. More people are behaving like porcupines in the snow who are hungry for love and affection. Yet as they come closer their thorny spines injure each other and they drift apart.

According to a recent article by Emily Fares of Forbes magazine,

The majority of single men and women between the ages of 18 and 34 (53% and 68%, respectively) say they want a romantic relationship, according to a 2024 study conducted by the dating platform Tinder, which surveyed 8,000 heterosexual participants in the US, UK, Australia and Canada. However, nearly all respondents – including 91% of men and 94% of women – say they feel the current dating climate is more difficult than ever.

Regardless of age, people face unique challenges, but I have found that we never stop wanting love and often the dating difficulties faced by men and women in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond can be even more stressful.

In my book, Enlightened Marriage: 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best Is Still to ComeCarlin and I share what we’ve learned. Iyanla VanZant, author and former host iyanla fix my life The Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) had this to say after reading my book:

“If you want to have a healthy, fulfilling, and loving relationship there are certain skills you must have, certain methods you must know, and certain things you must learn or unlearn. Jade Diamond’s work enlightened marriage Covers all the ‘necessities’ and then some. what a blessing!”

Are you looking for love in all the wrong places?

Here are some questions I had to address in my own life and that I help my clients explore in theirs:

1. Am I really satisfied with my love life?
2. Do I think that people I am attracted to will later turn out to be wrong for me?
3. Even when I tell myself, “I’ll never make that mistake again,” do I find myself in an even worse situation?
4. If I look at my dating history and honestly look at the people I’ve been attracted to, is there a pattern?
5. What were my role models growing up? What kind of marriage did my parents have and what impact might that have had on my love life?
6. Did I experience “adverse childhood experiences” growing up that included physical, emotional, or sexual abuse or neglect?
7. Was my father physically or emotionally absent when I was growing up?
8. Was my relationship with my father too distant or inappropriately close?
9. Was my mother physically or emotionally absent when I was growing up?
10. Was my relationship with my mother too distant or inappropriately close?
11. How safe do I feel inside being vulnerable and intimate with a partner?
12. How loving do I feel toward myself? How comfortable do I feel with my physical, emotional and sexual self?

Some important things I’ve learned over the years

1. It’s never too early or too late to improve your mental, emotional and relational love life.
2. At the end of our lives, people rarely have regrets because they did not make enough money or achieve great success in their working lives. Most people wish they had learned to love more deeply and well.
3. Even those of us who grew up in a healthy family with parents who loved us and loved each other, we all suffer wounds in our love lives.
4. Since most traumas happen when we are young and affect all of us to some degree, we often block out painful memories that are buried in our subconscious.
5. What remains unconscious rules our lives because we keep repeating old patterns without recognizing their subconscious origin.
6. Each failed date, love affair, or marriage adds a little contribution to our addictive behavior of repeating old patterns.
7. The opposite of addiction is a healthy relationship.
8. We are not stupid or crazy, although sometimes our behavior makes us feel like we have lost our minds. There is actually a positive desire underlying our dysfunctional love life.
9. I believe that unconsciously we are hoping to recreate bad relationships from our past, believing that things will be different this time. This time I will set things right and find the love I have been missing my whole life.
10. Sometimes we can heal ourselves and fix things ourselves. Most often we can benefit from working with a therapist, counselor, or guide who knows the area, has been there themselves, and who has helped themselves and others heal.
11. It’s never too late to heal old wounds and build the relationship of your dreams.

I hope you find my articles useful. Drop me a note (Jed@MenAlive.com) and let me know. I read every personal email I get from people. If I can help you, I’d be happy to connect.