michael aronowitzA registered beauty nurse, took me back and started with the kind of skin care assessment that I imagine people with actual routines answer with great confidence. She asked what products I use on my face. Some, of whom I don’t actually know any names, I answer. Then she asked what I do for my butt. A swipe of CeraVe body lotion after showering when I remember I answer. Otherwise, I said I’m mostly confident it’s still there and left it there.
The questions weren’t just to get me to admit how little attention I pay to my rear. Aronowitz says he asks about a patient’s skin care routine to understand how they care for their skin and whether anything they’re using could cause irritation or interact with treatments. “This gives me a sense of the overall health of the skin barrier and helps me create recommendations that fit into a routine that people are really likely to follow,” he says. “A great healing begins with understanding where someone’s skin is before we begin.”
Aronowitz walked out of the room and told me to take off all my clothes – no gown, no towel, no strategic clothing of any kind – then lie down and tell him I was ready. There was nothing sexual about the setup. I just jumped up, putting my socks on my feet, pressed my waist against the paper, and hoped that my ass would make a strong first impression. Thankfully, they said that the skin on my butt generally looks good at first glance, which makes it feel like it’s not the kind of compliment you’re chasing unless someone with a medical license gives it to you.
As I expected, this was not an appointment that allowed much room for humility. Thankfully, humility has never been a major obstacle for me. If I can’t show my friends naked and ask if it’s worth sending or deleting, what kind of friends are they? If Aronwitz needs to see every inch of my ass to improve it, God forbid.
I didn’t expect how complex the treatment would be. This service isn’t just about putting lotion on your ass, slapping your cheeks and wishing you well. Aronowitz points out that donkeys deal with constant friction, pressure, sweat and blockage, all of which can contribute to breakouts, folliculitis, ingrown hairs, rough texture, dryness and hyperpigmentation.
The process starts with a gentle cleanser to remove sweat, oil, bacteria and congestion without removing the skin barrier, followed by a toner for hydration. This isn’t your typical baby wipe situation, and nothing about getting your butt professionally wiped doesn’t feel casual in the slightest. She deliberately applied the lather to the cheeks in slow, overlapping circles, never rushing. I could tell he was taking inventory as he went – where the skin felt dry, irritated, or generally in need of professional help.
Then it was time for exfoliation using Future Method’s Butt & Body Scrub, which was developed specifically for this area by Bespoke Surgical founder Dr. Evan Goldstein. As far as scrubs go, I was expecting something more aggressive, but it was relatively gentle. There were a few glitches, but nothing that stressed me out or made me wonder if I were paying for some other type of service. Aronwitz is strictly against attacking your ass with a loofah or aggressive exfoliating gloves, as too much friction can cause microtrauma and inflammation, potentially making ingrown hairs and dark marks worse.
He then examined my buttocks for clogged follicles and ingrown hairs, performing extractions only where he felt appropriate. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but for the record, I didn’t feel much of anything, which I believe is because my ass is naturally flawless. Aronowitz says the approach is client-dependent. Light pressure or a cotton-tipped applicator may sometimes suffice, while other situations require a sterile lancet or fine tweezers. He always first examines the skin under magnification, with the goal of using “the least painful approach possible.”
